I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have demons in me.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
