Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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