He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
