That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
