okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
