I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
