How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
