This is not my ceiling
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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