Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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