Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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