if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The best revenge is premature balding
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
