i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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