There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
