Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
