I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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