how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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