This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
