awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
