It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
