Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
