Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
