i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
