After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
