Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
