Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish you could order shots online.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Randomize