can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize