I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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