No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize