Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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