You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
