did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
