Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
