I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
