Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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