the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
