I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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