I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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