I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
