Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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