please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
