ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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