just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
