im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
