i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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