Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the day after is always just damage control
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
