Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
being pregnant is like rehab
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I am one with the molecules
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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