Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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