how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
