you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
