I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
