if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
