i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
