I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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