Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
