When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
