Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
