i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
