you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
