Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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