I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
