I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize