Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
