You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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