I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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