I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
