He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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